Please Don't Drive Me Blind
by eden alice
Summary: Even from a distance Jack could still read her eyes.' A series of one shots as Jack watches Ronnie slowly fall apart.
1. Chapter 1

Please Don't Drive Me Blind

Even from a distance Jack could still read her eyes. He sees her across the square or when he collects Amy. However fleeting the contact was he could tell something was not right. He had always loved her striking eyes, loved the way that no matter how much she tried to turn her facial expressions to cold, unreadable marble she could never hide the flash of feeling deep within them. And no matter how frustrated he got with the way she kept him at arm length at least her eyes gave him a means of connection.

Now her eyes are murky blue and steady, like looking up from the bottom of a chlorine filled swimming pool. He would like to say that he does not recognise the woman looking back at him, that tragedy had eaten away at everything that was familiar and he could wash his hands at all their failed attempts to make a relationship work. But while she had changed in a way that made his insides ache every time he saw her there was an understanding he just could not let go.

She was always there, like a ghost flickering in the corner of his vision, too close to become just another regret washed away in a brooding alcohol induced coma.

Ronnie Mitchell seemed to have stopped living. She went through the motions of working and shopping with her sister. She kept herself unapproachable and removed enough that no one seemed to realise the difference. Jack thought he knew her better, better than her own family.

That Joel bloke had disappeared a few weeks back. The other man had just quietly upped and left one day. It was practically unheard of for someone involved with that family. He had tried to get the details out of Roxy when she came to take Amy home, the blond had been uncharacteristically tight lipped but he still noticed the flash of worry across her animated face.

He was honest enough to admit that a big part of him was glad that things had not worked out with Danielle's father. For a long heart stopping moment he had thought that Ronnie was actually happy with the ordinary looking man, he tried to pretend he could be glad for her. She deserved to finally have some happiness in her life but he could not let go of the feeling that she should be happy with _him_.

He felt like a failure because he had not been the one to make her let go of the past. It amazed him how he fell for a woman who had built herself around the foundations of past trauma. Nobody knew who she was past all the pain. He never thought he could love a woman so similar to himself.

Her eyes scared him now, all blank and hazy as if she was not really there. Maybe he had no right to be concerned; at least her face did not seem to contort in pain anymore but he knew she had never dealt with such deep set distress. She was on the edge of the roof top waiting for the long fall. Jack did not think anyone would be able to save her if she jumped.


	2. Chapter 2

He finds her standing by the side of the road in the early hours of the morning. He had just finished up some paperwork after the club closed and now his eyes felt gritty from lack of sleep against the gentle orange glow of sunrise.

His heavy brow furrows in confusion at the unexpected sight. She is bathed in half shadows and so still that she could have been the statue she seemed to whish she was. Jack's heart sinks and he feels nauseous when he realises that she is standing by the spot Danielle died.

Maybe he should leave her alone. He always managed to do more harm than good. It might have all started with Penny or he may have always been that way, poison. Staying away from his daughter felt like he could protect her but Ronnie way always in so much pain without his involvement. She was like a drug soaked into his blood stream and coursing through his veins. Her hurt was like a mirror to his own and it was achingly comforting.

He approached her slowly as if he was closing in on a wild animal, the sound of his footsteps unnaturally loud in the quiet daybreak.

"Ron."

She did not seem to react to his call and carries on staring at nothing somewhere off in the distance, her hair falling in gentle waves and partially obscuring her face. For one brief second he wonders when her hair got so long.

"Ronnie?"

It takes a hand on her arm to startle her out of her contemplation. Her muscles jump under his fingers as she flinches. He realises her arm is bare and chilled by the frosty air. Dressed only in a dark top, jeans and fluffy boots that could only belong to Roxy she must be freezing in the early autumn morning.

She pulls away before he could shrug of his jacket and offer it to her, blinking as if he had pulled her out of a hypnotic state. Shock and bewilderment pulled at her delicate features for a few seconds too long before she skilled her expression into something more neutral. There were fading streaks of black on her cheeks but no other sign that she had been crying.

Her mouth twists up into something that could be a small smile and she made a startled 'oh' sound. It is all so ridiculously formal that he wanted to shake her, too much has past between them for this.

"What are you doing, Ron?"

She stares through him and he is so used to her confronting him, always gaining eye contact and daring him to blink first. "I was just thinking…" She trailed off as if she did not know what she was thinking about.

There was so much she could have been thinking about, so many demons all coming back to one small teenager who had big nervous brown eyes. A girl who Ronnie wanted more than anything in the world only to hold her as the life drained away on the gritty pavement.

"You must be frozen. Has something happened?" It is just another stab in the dark but he has to try.

An audible sigh escapes her lips as she rubs the bridge of her nose. "It's nothing or everything, I don't know anymore. I just don't."

She looked up to him biting her lower lip and there is something in her eyes that he has never seen before: glassy and bright like she has a fever and more than a little desperate.

It was clear something had happened and she couldn't or wouldn't talk about it. Ronnie's hands were clenched tightly at her side and he was close enough to smell the caustic alcohol on her breath and the way she swayed gently.

"Look, let me take you home." He tries to reach for her again but she jumps back out of his reach skittishly.

"No Jack!" He can hear fear in her panicked shout, "I don't want to go back there, not with you or anyone."

He tries not to be hurt as she hisses at him because she is just lashing out to protect herself. He wishes she did not feel a need to protect herself from him.

"Ron, you can't stay out here. You're in a state and you need to get help." She sends him an angry glare and for a second she's back to her feisty self again.

"I don't have to do anything. It's not like there is any point." Her voice is dull with the weight of finality and it feels like the world has dropped away from underneath him. He was talking to an empty version of a woman he cared about, who he thought he loved.

"Ron…" He was at a loss of what to say or do. Impulse made him want to pick her up and take her to his flat and lock her in till at least she sounded like herself again.

"Will you stop saying my name like you are trying to talk me off the edge of the roof! It's just a bad day. I'm _fine_ and it's none of your business." Suddenly her voice is even and fierce and it is like the shutters have gone down over any vulnerability.

"Maybe if it was easier to understand what you're thinking." He didn't care if he sounds a little sullen. They had never had a proper relationship a chance to find their rhythm, a comfortable way to work together. They never had a chance to be an ordinary couple. Maybe it was never going to happen and they were only destined to play fiery games forever.

"Don't bother trying Jack; it will only waste brain cells."

They fall into an uncomfortable silence and Ronnie went back to staring at the spot her daughter died. Somewhere near by a car engine starts. There was sadness in the way she held her shoulders tightly but the desperation seemed to have evaporated. It was a constant emotion she wore like a medal.

"It's okay to think about her you know." He speaks barely above a whisper hoping she doesn't feel cornered or under attack.

She does not respond at first but closes her eyes briefly as if she is actually accepting his words. "It's just so hard, sometimes I can't see past the darkness so it's easier to forget." The truth seems to cost her. It is not much but it has to be enough.

"If you need to talk or anything I'm always here." It is all he can do, all she's let him offer. He hoped she would trust him enough to believe him.

She looked up with a smile full of regret. "It's not that simple is it?" He does not have the heart to respond. Things had never been simple.

"At least let me walk home." It feels like a truce, a way to finish a simple conversation without wounding each other with acerbic words.

She shakes her head folding her arms across her chest as if she finally notices the cold. "I'm a big girl."

He lets her walk away because he has no other idea what to do.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hay you! Did you have a good time with daddy?" Roxy cooed at Amy as she lifted the chubby child from Jack's arms.

He smiled as Amy gurgled and clapped her hands together in delight. He treasured every moment he spent with his daughter, while it may not be the most conventional setup he was determined not to betray his second child.

"We had a great time, although I think I might have let her have too much chocolate." He admitted there was chocolate drool all down the front of the outfit Amy had been wearing earlier.

"Jack I told you no sweets. Now this madam will be a nightmare to get to sleep tonight." Roxy scolded as Amy pulled at a fistful of platinum blond hair.

"Yeah, well I just couldn't resist those big blue eyes." He grinned. Whenever he had a chance he tried to spoil his little girl as much as possible, he just wished that he had the chance more often.

"Daddy's a big softie isn't he?" She sang to her daughter. "Leaves all the proper parenting to me." Jack did not know if that was a thinly veiled insult aimed at him but he bit his tongue to stop himself responding. His relationship with Roxy had always been tenuous and he would do his best not to do anything that would mean less access to his daughter.

Jack picked up a large fluffy teddy bear from the floor and placed it safely away in the toy box. He used the moment to phase his next question trying to seem as casual as possible.

"Ronnie here?"

"No she's been out all day. Better not have gone shopping without me." Roxy placed Amy down in front of a large plastic toy that's only purpose seemed to be making a lot of noise.

"So how has she been lately?" The question felt transparent and made him feel uncomfortable. He hated how vulnerable caring about Ronnie made him feel, it had all become so complicate. He should have run away at the first sign of trouble but he could not look away, not now.

"She's fine." Roxy turned to face him her hands on her hips and her eyes narrowed dangerously. "What's it to you?"

He sighed and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. It was a loaded question, one that he hoped she would understand by now.

"Rox, I bumped into her a few nights back. I don't think she's coping."

Roxy's features were more animated than ever in her anger. "Ron's going to be fine." She hissed trying not to shout in front of her daughter. "She has every reason to still be a bit upset but she's coping and she's going to be fine."

It always amazed Jack, the complex and close nature of the sister's relationship. He should have known that Ronnie would have fooled Roxy. The older sister had perfected the art of putting up walls and not letting anyone see the extent of her emotional scars, he himself had been burned by her coldness nearly every time he tried to reach Ronnie.

Roxy was too close to see the bigger picture and maybe she just did not want to see it.

"I don't think it's that simple. She was practically catatonic and standing where Danielle died. The way she looked at me…I think she's giving up." He struggled to find a way to explain the look in Ronnie's eyes that night, the way she haunted him like she was already gone.

"Well maybe she just didn't want to see you! You complicate things Jack."

He wanted to remind her that it was not just him who made things complicated. Amy had two parents but he could not let this descend into another argument with the feisty blonde.

"This is not about me!"

"And don't you whish it was. I'm looking after her Jack, she doesn't need you." There was a naivety in Roxy's firmness that could almost convince him that she was right even if it stung that he was not wanted. Part of him fantasised about being Ronnie's knight in shinning amour. He would sweep her off her feet and protect her and they would stay together.

Maybe he was the naive one. No matter how broken Ronnie would never be a damsel in distress. She had far too much dignity and he had never forgotten the time she'd knocked him to the floor with a single punch.

"I hope your right."

"She's my big sister and she's amazingly strong. She _will_ be fine." Roxy was not a great liar and he could see that she was trying to convince herself as much as she was trying to convince him.

Jack gave up knowing it was futile to carry on the conversation. He had no right to care for Ronnie even if she was not coping. She was nothing to him anymore apart from someone who lived across the street. No matter how hard it was he had to believe her family would be enough to hold her together.

***

Just wanted to take a sec to thank everyone who has read and reviewed. It means a lot and I hope you continue to enjoy :)


	4. Chapter 4

_Just a note to say thank you for all the reviews, I hope you still enjoy reading even with the sporadic updates. This chapter contains details that could be upsetting so please be warned. I should also point out the title of this story is taken from the Placebo song Blind, the lyrics have been somewhat inspiring (and also Song to Say Goodbye by the same band) while I've been writing even though this is not a song fic. Hope this chapter is reasonably well written, I found half way through that none of them wanted to go where I put them and then I was worried I had made Jack a little too useless even though that was my intention (duh)._

_***_

He was on his second beer when he heard a scream. He was not drinking heavily because he had work to do and the temptation of whiskey would make him introspective and moody. Something he did not think he could cope with on such a lonely night.

Jack supposed that there was no real reason for him to choose the Vic when he had his own club filled with alcohol and privacy. But even if he sat in a corner of the bar all alone at least there were people around him, at least there was a chance he would see her.

It was a relatively quiet night so most of the people stopped drinking at the sound from a scream from upstairs. It was muffled through the thin walls and there was momentarily silence before the same voice shouted for help.

He recognised the shrill and frantic tone as Roxy's voice. He had heard the volatile woman shout so many times that he lost track. But there was a chilling edge to the screams that brought flashes of a frozen lake and a missing baby to mind, something was really wrong.

He was on his feet before he even thought about moving. It did not matter that he might not be wanted or needed. Years in the police made him move on instinct finding himself taking the stairs at the back of the pub two at a time, Phil a second in front of him and a confused Peggy trailing behind.

Worry sped him on faster. He could hear Roxy clearly now still screaming and pleading nonsense, he could hear his daughter crying in response to her mother's distress.

There was a horrible second when his heart sunk and he knew. He knew something was wrong with Ronnie, something was deeply wrong.

Ahead of him Phil veered off opening the door to Roxy's room and finding it empty apart from a very upset Amy. Jack squeezed past Phil heading across the landing towards the bathroom.

"Oh god, do something. Somebody do something!"

Jack almost collided with Roxy. The blond woman stood in the doorway eyes wide with fear. She pulled at Jack like he could save her from drowning, her hands slipped against his slick and wet. Her hands were covered in blood.

Roxy pulled him into the small bathroom and his heart contracted painfully in his chest. The feelings of being powerless as something awful happened were not new to him but he had never felt them so strongly. It was physically incapacitating and he struggled to will himself to take the final few steps forward.

He did not want to look. Did not want to make it all real. It was all too soon. He knew Ronnie was desperate but he had hoped he had time to get to her. She had already survived so much and maybe foolishly some small part of him thought that she would survive anything.

It could barely be seconds but time moved so slowly the image burned into his retina like a scar. He saw her feet first bare and smaller than he remembered, her body lying next to the bathtub twisted at an angle that reminded him of watching her sleep. There was blood everywhere, so red it was impossibly bright, glistening and thick. Her arms hung limply at her sides, the insides of her wrists marred by deep précised cuts. She was slipping away like water, like slow fractures crawling through glass.

Roxy sat cradling her sister's upper body crying into her hair as she pleaded for someone to fix everything.

"Phil! Phil call an ambulance, call an ambulance now!" Jack barely heard Peggy gasp in shock. The small woman pushed her way past Jack quick to action in a way he knew he should be too. She knelt down next to Roxy overwhelmed and still for a moment before reaching for the nearest towel and pressed it tightly to the angry looking wound on one of Ronnie's wrists. The cream fabric quickly darkened as blood soaked through it. Jack felt sick.

"Roxy" Peggy called sharply but the younger blonde did not seem to hear her as she continued to burry her face in her sister's hair, rocking back and forth as she called her sisters name.

"Roxy, go get some more towels. Roxanne now!"

Still Roxy made no effort to respond or move lost within her own desperate hysterics. Finally Jack felt compelled to move running quickly to the Mitchell's kitchen and begin to violently open cupboards till he found a neatly folded pile of tea towels.

He could not pretend that this was just like another case from his days in the police force. He was too close to this to think objectively. He had never had the luxury of objectiveness when Ronnie was involved but he could not fall apart now, he would never forgive himself.

Grabbing a handful of towels he almost slipped on the tiled floor hurrying back to the bathroom. He was met on the landing by a grave looking Phil still clutching a phone in his hands and the new local doctor, Jack did not even know the mans name.

"Oh thank god in here doctor." Even as Peggy tried to take charge the shrill tone to her voice betrayed her growing panic.

The doctor shot Jack a tight smile as his took the towels from his hands and entered the claustrophobic room.

"How long has she been like this?" The doctor asked sinking to his knees and blocking Jack's view of Ronnie.

Roxy glanced up at the man tears streaming down her face and her lips pursed in a tight line. "Um, I don't know. Ten minuets before I came in maybe. She'll be okay wont she? You will make her better."

The dark haired doctor ignored Roxy rambling instead he reached over to pull away the now sodden towel that Peggy was using to try and stop the bleeding from both wrists.

"Okay this is arterial bleeding." He spoke steadily assessing the situation and handed Peggy some fresh towels. "Hold these tight as you can around the wound. Keep her arm raised above heart level."

Peggy nodded and quickly acted as the doctor asked while he did the same with Ronnie's other arm.

"Arterial bleeding? That's bad right, that's really bad." Roxy interrupted her fingers wrapped tightly in her sister's hair.

"It just means that we need to stop the blood flow quickly. Roxy I need you to move out of the way so I have space to work." The doctor's voice was calm but urgent; he reached into the bag he had taken with him with his free hand.

"I can't leave her. I can't abandon my sister." Roxy sobbed shaking her head.

"You're not abandoning her I need you to go get a blanket to cover her with. We need to keep her warm."

It was too much for Jack to watch. He reached over and squeezed Roxy's shoulder she looked up at him all desperate and open.

"Come on Rox, get out the way and let the doctor work."

Dazed Roxy stood on shaking legs making sure she laid her sister's head gently against the floor briefly kissing her temple. She stepped over the other people in the room and went to grasp at Jack needing comfort from any source. She froze noticing the blood covering her fingers, her hands and most of her clothes just before she touched him. Roxy gasped loudly in horror the full weight of the situation settling on her.

"There's so much blood." She frowned watching the way her hands shook.

"She'll be fine just go and get a blanket Roxy." He could not hide the bark in his voice. He did not need Roxy falling apart on him when he doubted he could hold himself together.

A look of hurt flashed over her face but Roxy left moving robotically.

"I'm going to put a pressure dressing on her wounds. They should hold till the ambulance gets here." The doctor talked out loud as he worked. It was oddly comforting, making everything seem less impossible. Jack had never felt so impotent, he had already caused Ronnie so much pain and he could do nothing but watch as her life bled out of her.

He wanted nothing more than for Ronnie to open her eyes because at least then he had some measure of perceptive. While he understood that at least while she was unconscious her heart rate would be slower he was horrified by how pale and still she seemed her skin and hair practically colourless against the vividness of the blood.

How did he ever let things become so undone?

Roxy interrupted his thoughts when she hurried back with a pink fluffy blanket clutched tightly to her chest.

"Ron likes this one when we watch DVD's together its soft." Roxy muttered so quietly Jack had to strain to catch her words.

He had nothing to say in return, nothing to erase the lost little girl expression on Roxy's face.

It was not till Phil ran back up the stairs that Jack realised the other man had left. Things had to be bad when even Phil looked shaken.

"Ambulance is just pulling up." He informed them his expression grave as he watched over the still form of his cousin.

"Okay, good. She's stable for now we should get her down the stairs." The doctor told them his fingers on the pulse point on Ronnie's neck.

Immediately Jack stepped forward the sound of sirens below encouraging because it meant that there was a chance.

"I've got her." He said leaving no room for arguments.

Peggy stepped out of the way and the doctor folded Ronnie's arms gently across her chest before Jack bent down and picked her up, one hand supporting her neck and the other under her knees.

She was lighter than he expected but she was reassuringly solid and warm.

"I've got you everything will be fine." He whispered into her hair ignoring the way it was matted with blood. The doctor took the blanket off Roxy and carefully tucked it around Ronnie's body. Jack made his way quickly as safety would allow down the stairs, Roxy sobbing just behind him.

They were met in the bar by florescent clad paramedics who talked quickly with the doctor. The remaining people in the bar observed quietly gossiping to one another but Jack could not see past the woman in his arms.

"We've got her now mate." Jack looked up to find a paramedic waiting to remove Ronnie from his arms and he felt an overwhelming urge to snatch her away from the strange man.

It was the sound of Roxy crying loudly that spurred him away from any irrational thought. He allowed the paramedic to take Ronnie and place her on a waiting gurney. Without Ronnie in his arms Jack suddenly felt ready to collapse his throat constricted painfully and his hands automatically clenched into fists.

He followed the paramedics as they wheeled Ronnie out of the pub. It was a cool night but the sky was clear for central London, it did not seem real, not anymore.

"I'm going with you." Jack spoke up voice hard with determination.

"No! She's my sister she needs me not you." He would have been amused by the way Roxy pouted like a stubborn child if the situation had not been so serious.

"Roxy…" He started not sure what he wanted to say.

"You stay away from her. Go look after your daughter for once." She hissed pointing a finger accusingly at him; suddenly she looked a lot like her sister all burning sharp pieces, vulnerability under layers of protective anger.

"We need to leave." One of the paramedics warned impatiently, Jack could not tell what one had spoken.

"Roxy darling you go. I'll look after Amy. You phone me as soon as they tell you anything." Peggy stepped forward taking her nieces hands in hers. Roxy nodded and took a deep cleansing breath through her tears.

Jack watched as Roxy shot him one last accusing glare before climbing in the back of the ambulance. The blue and red flashing lights blurred till he couldn't see anything else till the ambulance sped away. It was only then that he realised his eyes were filled with tears.

"Just as useless as always then."

He did not let the tears fall as he turned to see a dark smug expression twist at Phil's face. They were suddenly alone in relative silence. Jack wanted to pound Phil's face into the ground till his features were unrecognisable but he did not have the energy and he had already caused enough pain.

"At least I'm still trying. Seen Louise lately?" He spit back knowing exactly what wounds to reopen.

"You just can't stop hurting my family. Stay the fuck away." Phil growled before heading back into the pub.


End file.
